| you get me... and then you make me change...
and then your smart...and you laugh at my stupid jokes...
you see things in me i dont see in myself...
you take on a lot and never show weakness...
if horses have bits to steer them the right way
then your my bit and God is our driver...
you don't give up on me even though im stubborn...
you stay when everyone leaves...
you fight when i quit...
youre the sunshine of my life...
hahahhahahahahaha... it started out real then it just became cornier and cornier...
but i love you... thank you for hitting me in the head and waking me up
im not quite ready to go and be social again but i've definitely been given a
good swift kick in the right direction... i love you very much ^^...
|
| |
| I remember at a Kcc youth group retreat I was serving at we had skit time. The theme of the skit time had to do with putting "the next step" in somewhere in the skit. The one that won, was a group that played out various parts of Bible passages in which the character had a choice. They would pause and in unison say, "What's the next step?"
Thinking about my life, I think I'm at a similar crossroads in my life. Up to now it's been pretty simple. You go to school. Preschool. After preschool, kindergarten. After kindergarten, elementary school. After elementary school, jr. high. After jr. high, high school. After high school, College. Pretty simple.
But now working at the Pavilion and contemplating on how the rest of my life is going to pan out, I realize I have a myriad of choices. But you see, I dont have a lot of practice making choices for myself. I've always grown up in the shadow of others. Following is much more natural for me. But there is no one to follow anymore. They've all grown up and gone away.
And now I wonder... what's in store for me in the years to come. Then I'm reminded of the skit those youth groupers put on so many years ago. In the skit... I don't think anyone of the characters knew how life would pan out. The blind man that was healed, Peter, fisherman... they had no clue how their lives would be... but they all took the same step. They all took the step in following Jesus.
And I guess that's all I'm really left with. I don't know if moving far away or staying here or what not will make or break my life but I do know regardless of whether I change my surroudings or keep them the same, I want to take the next step of my life with God.
Who would've thought I would be so bad at growing up? Regardless still, I know through all my fears of wrong choices, if I walk it out with God, I will have made one right choice.
|
| |
| There are people in this world that I love.
Something that can't really be expressed in a word or sentiment or anything really.
Deep deep down in my heart there's just an inexplicable bond of wanting them to be happy.
I can't describe it fully but to make the best explanation possible,
to me it's like lines connecting my inmost part with their inmost part...
when they feel joy I can feel it like electricity through a wire..only... electricity wouldn't
begin to compare to the connection I have and the feelings I get...
equally so when people are hurting... the pain that I feel through the
line is suffocating. like a weight on my chest that won't go away unless
I shed a single ounce at a time with my tears...
I often wonder why I'm so weak... why I lack character... and why it is that my heart seems to have these
"lines of connection" with people... in my heart of hearts... in the deepest portion of whatever it is my feelings reside... that's where my weakness and my strength collide...
I often hate feeling the pain of and from others... yet continue to push and scrape with every fiber of my being
so that those around me can smile while I internally am suffocating...
many times I have claimed to given up on people... jr high friends... high school friends.... college friends... coworkers... in anger of the pain I've said, " ENOUGH!" and cut the lines from my heart...only to find that
these lines aren't destroyable... they are tough... and while experience and every part of me
screams, "not to trust... not to open...not to link with another person ever again." There is some
naive part of me that keeps trying... no matter what the odds... no matter how many times I've been abandoned
and left behind... left out... something in me won't allow myself to end this connection I have with people...
I'd like to think that that little thing is a gift from my heavenly father... He gave it to me... this... uncrushable...impenetrable...undeniable source of wanting to make others happy... see them laugh... see them loved... even if i become desolate in doing so...
people say you only understand true sacrifice and true love if your a parent to a child... i disagree... while that bond might be strong... and as strong and painful as i see my bond with those i share a link with...
i realized something....
while looking at my pain... and my longing... my suffocating yet enduring desire for those who forget me and toss me aside...
i only see Jesus... I only see His face... I can feel the smallest portion of His pain... and that small portion has destroyed me countless numbers of times... yet I know Him... I know His love never fails...I've experienced it...
and I have it in me...
that's why I can go on... cuz His love... His persevering unending never quitting love... resides right at the core of where all my lines go to... I can pretend to turn my back on the world in some foolish attempt to convince myself that it's no longer worth it... but I can't escape the grasp of Christ's love.. it is too powerful... too overwhelming.. too gentle...
weakness?... strength?... i see both in me... but i have hope... cuz right now... the strength is starting to win...
|
| |
| I did...reminiscing...learning from my previous self...how faithful that jae was... how much on fire...
I stayed up all night because I'm quitting O'Briens today so if you needed a car sorry. Come see me though I can still help you out... I'm quitting because two things... #1 - money - I'm no Joe Jun....and I do not make enough money there for the time I spend... #2 - time - I want to go to MINIO's and praise nights and friday nights and freaking make prayer meetings!
I read my post when I first started at O'Briens... it was already 8 months ago... jeez...
I just want to start life over... so many mistakes I regret... but God's grace shines everywhere in my life... but if I could wake up tomorrow back in 1st grade... i wouldn't be horribly upset... =P of course I would study harder, and not date around as much... blah... oh well things are what they are... I still have God... and it's enough....
|
| |
